All The Reasons Rudy Giuliani Is A Joke

1. He dodged the draft. During his stint in law school, his conscription was deferred. After graduation, Giuliani was initially eligible for the draft. However, after clerking for a judge, he was reclassified as an essential civilian before being relisted as eligible AGAIN. However, he pulled a high draft number as was not called into service.
2. He switched parties to get a job for Ronald Reagan. Rudy Giuliani was initially a Democrat who campaigned for Robert Kennedy. However, less than a month after Ronald Reagan won the 1980 election, he switched his party affiliation to Republican to get a job as U.S. Attorney for the Southern District of New York.
3. He accidentally married his cousin. Giuliani married Regina Peruggi, a woman he had known since they were children, in 1968. However, they split up in 1975 and got a marriage annulment in 1983 after Giuliani discovered that they were second cousins.
4. He cheated on his second wife and broke up with her via press conference. While married to local TV personality Donna Hannover, Giuliani met Judith Nathan, a sales manager for a pharmaceutical company. He began having an affair with Nathan and announced his divorce from Hanover in a press conference in 2000, near the end of his term as mayor. He neglected to tell his wife of their divorce, and she found out when she heard about the press conference, for which Giuliani received widespread criticism.
5. He charged security for his secret mistress with public funds. It's unknown what Nathan got out of the affair, one that would lead to the two marrying and then divorcing in 2019, as Giuliani's attorney stated that treatments the mayor was receiving for prostate cancer had rendered him impotent for at least the past year. What is known, however, his that he gave his mistress police protection at taxpayers' expense.
6. He lost $7 million and his daughter in his divorce. During his divorce from Donna Hanover, finalizing in July 2002 after 18 years of marriage, Giuliani had to pay Hanover $6.8 million and grant her full custody of their children. Their daughter never rekindled her relationship with her father, becoming a prominent filmmaker in the LGBTQ community. Giuliani did rekindle his relationship with his son, which resulted in nothing of value except said son failing miserably in the New York GOP gubernatorial primary.
7. His Four Seasons press conference has its own Wikipedia page. His infamous press conference, the one in which he mocked the media as a concept by putting his hands toward the sky after hearing a registered sex offender who lied about raping a child give testimony he hoped would overthrow the presidential election, the one that took place at Four Seasons Total Landscaping (instead of the luxury hotel), the one where he spewed bullshit to reporters feet away from a crematorium and a dildo factory, is so atrocious that it has its own Wikipedia page.
8. He had his law licenses suspended. For his efforts to overturn the 2021 presidential election, Rudy Giuliani had his law licenses in New York and Washington, D.C. suspended in June and July of 2021, respectively.
9. His hair dye ran more than his mouth did. At another infamous press conference in which the nation got their first introduction to Kraken attorney Sidney Powell, Giuliani's most famous blunder occurred when his sweat led to his hair dye streaming off of his face.
10. He had his honorary degrees revoked. As if losing his law licenses wasn't enough, Giuliani had his honorary degrees from Drexel University, Middlebury College, and the University of Rhode Island revoked in 2021 and 2022. I reiterate my calls to Loyola College and The Citadel Military College to do the same.
11. He farted while a Karen spewed shit. At the same phony Michigan hearing in which a Karen went viral for her outlandish statements about disproven claims of voter fraud, Giuliani was caught on the mic farting, which made headlines a day later.
12. He caught COVID-19 when he couldn't keep his mouth shut. Unmasked at Republican super spreader events around the country to promote his baseless election lies, Giuliani, like much of the rest of the Trump White House, caught COVID-19. 
13. He got fooled twice. In 2020, Rudy Giuliani was tricked into appearing in the mockumentary film Borat Subsequent Moviefilm, where Borat had his daughter ask for an interview in the bedroom and then rushed in while Giuliani was tucking the recording equipment into his pants, saying, "She's 15; she's too old for you." Giuliani won two Razzie awards, one for Worst Supporting Actor and one, with his pants zipper, for Worst Screen Combo. In 2021, a left-leaning legal YouTube channel called LegalEagle paid Giuliani for a Cameo in which Giuliani congratulated the YouTuber, who has gone after Donald Trump mercilessly, on reaching two million subscribers.
14. He came in last place on The Masked Singer, and that wasn't even the worst part. On season seven of this hit TV show, Giuliani was reportedly the first person to be unmasked in an episode that will air later this month. Upon seeing someone under criminal investigation for trying to overthrow the U.S. government, judges Ken Jeong and Robin Thicke stormed off the set in anger, and for good reason.